taking calls never been this damn exciting...

i always hate what i am doing. i always want to run and hide under my bed. i always wanted to escape from reality of working hard to live. i always have been a call-center hopper. but this time, taking calls has never been as exciting as this.

i get up at around 4:30 in the morning, which i have never imagined that i am capable of doing, start the day with a cup of coffee, take a bath with my newly-rebonded hair, get dressed, and climb the street heading to the highway. as i arrive to the office, put my bag in the locker, grab my foamies and wallet, i immediately look for a comfortable post and way more than excited to take calls.

i don't know. i just can't explain why am i feeling this way. maybe it's because of Grace and her diet tips. or maybe because of my new team mates and their old-school jokes that still making me laugh myself out. or maybe i just really have to be because i know i deserve to be.

i am not considering the last one because i don't want to do something just because i have to.

it's my off today and i want to go to work. maybe because i wanted to run away from home and away from the people who keeps on saying that they love me but obviously doesn't. or maybe it is not because of work or money. maybe it's something else.

for the first time since last year, i can say, i love what i am doing. and i am starting to love the people around me.

maybe that's the key. maybe it is the most essential ingredient of happiness. maybe it's all about love.

exhausted

words don't seem to come out of my brain and I cannot event think of anything to say...

all i know is that I am tired...

I need drink....

I need a friend...

I need a cigarette...

and I need to be with you again...

(Sigh)...

I am missing you badly...

(Cry).

Tango

Grey...

Unexplained scattered pieces of unconsciousness
starting to fill the blank spaces...
and suddenly killing the remaining enthusiasm...

Underestimated chances, never thought of it coming.
unprepared like a devastated home---
swallowed by winds and showered by rains.

Sigh.

Choices... Never had it clear.

To Alecks Pabico of PCIJ...

I am surprised. I am lacking for words. My mind can't think and believe what I just read. Alecks Pabico passed away. The Alecks Pabico, that is.I don't really know him personally but I am one of those aspiring journalists who admire and salute Alecks with his commentaries, beliefs, and love for journalism.

He's been with PCIJ for quite a while and his participation was outstanding. I have been reading and hearing his name in a lot of journalism forum and symposia, but the first time I saw him was in GMA 7's special documentary show for Presidentiables--Isang Tanong (he was PCIJ's representative then). After that show, I became his fan.

I remember about two years ago when we were required by our Journalism Professor, Gil Santos to attend a Journalism Event. It was like an awarding for outstanding journalists. He was a foot away from me and I can't even say "Hi". I just smiled. And that was the last time I saw him, because after that I changed career.

I have learned what human rights is because of him. I've learned how to be a journalist because of him. And wherever you are Sir Alecks rest assured that you will be remembered.

Paalam sa Disenyong Magilas. Sining Rastamad.
Salamat.

maybe I really have it deep inside...

I was born mean and a lot of people will agree on that. I am bad, and I don't care if I will hurt someone's feeling.I say whatever I wanted to say--regardless if it's too nasty. I do whatever I wanted to do--regardless of stepping on one's foot. I get what I wanted to have--regardless of how impossible will it be. But believe me or not, I enjoyed doing all these. I enjoy being mean. I enjoy living carelessly. And that's the only part of my life that I have never felt any regret.

But all of these changed.

No more exaggerated stories. No more subjective criticism. No more lies. I just woke up one day, laughing out loud in a middle of a crowd, listening to them as they share the best story of their lives and beginning to empathize (contrary because I normally do the talking), and waking up the next day with peace of mind--confident that I did not hurt anyone last night so no need to prepare for any apologetic speeches.

Maybe because this is a totally different world and they didn't know anything about my past (although they know a bit of the story). Or maybe I just changed unknowingly.

It all started when a new friend, out of nowhere, thanked me for being a good friend and thanked God for having me in her life. I almost choked and just said, "Well, siguro natuto na lang ako sa mga pinagdaanan ko..." Ang thought that maybe it's still too early to say that.

Funny right? No one ever thanked me for being a good friend. Most of the "thanks" that I have receive was either "thanks for crying with me", "thanks for the company", or just "thanks". I just don't know what to say. Do you know how it feels when someone just proposed a marriage to you? Shocking right? It's the same feeling. A sudden gush of blood through your cheeks that will make you blush.

Sigh.

Things are changing so fast. And as they say, Let bygones be bygones. Live and let live.

But as for me, once a mean girl, always a mean girl.

Maybe it will change. Maybe I have changed, or maybe not. Maybe she just said that as a first impression, which will definitely change. Or maybe this is the chance I have been praying for; A chance to proved myself again; A chance to show that I am worthy to be called a "good friend" not just an "old friend"; and a chance to prove that I will be a better person.

Sigh.

For the last time...

At this very moment, I can say, I have totally moved on. No more drastic and unwanted past. No more regrets and "what ifs". Now, I can say, I have stepped a foot forward... Slow as it may seem, but at least I was able to.

It's almost two years, and I can say it's all worth it.

It's not easy to bid goodbyes --- I never liked farewells. However, if this is the only way to make my life better, then I think I have to.

As Michelle Branch's song goes, "Goodbye to you. Goodbye to everything I thought I knew. You were the one I loved, the one thing that I've tried to hold on to..." Yes, you guys have been my shelter in my darkest days, and I owe this part of my life. I might have not survived if not for you. But this is the healthiest thing that I can do. See you soon, for I know our roads will still cross someday.

The past is past, now I have the guts to say. But I won't live all my past behind. I'll still carry some of them on my next journey. I will be traveling in a totally different path. A hundred miles away from what I have dreamed to be, but I'm sure to be happy.

Though the path will be totally different, my goal never changes. But I will be wiser now, wise enough to choose the right choice, the right option, the right company, and the right life.

Finally.

(Sigh)

when things get more confusing...

I never liked choices, it's just giving me so much pain and doubts. Neither having a lot of opportunities is not a good idea for me. That's why after receiving a text message from an employer requesting me to visit their office for a chance of being hired as a writer, place my life in the middle of the ocean---dark, cold, and doomed.

Honestly, I wanted to try my luck. At least by the end of the day, I won't have unanswered questions. At least I have tried.

(Sigh)
I wish things will be better, soon.

I just wanted to write...

I'm so excited and I just can't hide it!!!

I am way more than excited because tomorrow is one of the much-awaited day of my life. Nope, it is not my wedding nor my graduation, neither my first day as a new-hire ABS-CBN or GMA journalist, but tomorrow will be my first day in the day shift!!! Hurrah!!!

I can't think of any words to explain the excitement that I am feeling right now. (No, I don't feel any pressure right now). Though it is still in the call center industry and not with the media world, I am still happy that I was given a chance to work in the morning. Now I don't need to request for a "special" schedule adjustment on some friend get togethers. Now I don't need to sacrifice for not sleeping because I need to attend a friend's party. And, most especially, now I don't need to obliged myself to ignore the noise in the morning so I can sleep.

Aside from the change in dress code from "kahit ano attire" to smart casual, one of the biggest challenge that I have to face now that I am in the dayshift is the morning traffic, the load of people in the streets, and the travel time. However, that is okay. For as long as I sleep at night, I can chat with some friends, and go to work Mondays thru Fridays from 9am to 6pm, I am willing to sacrifice the heat, traffic, and loads on the streets.

I am so excited. Hell excited.

The Pain Switching Careers

I gave up writing, a career with it that is, but I am still hoping to succeed with it in the future. Since I was in elementary, I have never dreamt of anything else but of becoming a successful broadcast journalist. I wanted to work in the media. I wanted to be famous in that craft.

However, as things turned upside down, fate driven me in a totally different path. I am now in the call center industry, maybe because of the money that I cannot opt to leave this industry, or maybe because of fear – fear of not having anyone to trust me, fear of repeating all my preposterous mistakes, and fear of not being loved again.

Instead of just continuing what I have already started, I am obliged to start from scratch. And I have no choice.

asylum of unknown dilemma

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karismafelix.blogspot.com

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E-books and Virus

My phone was contaminated with the unknown, extraordinary, and extremely annoying species called virus. It suddenly slows every minute of my excitement as I flip from every page of a well-known novel about a heroic vampire who fell in love with a mortal. I jumped up one level higher in the technical world; I now read e-books.

Will give you an update soon on how I perceive these reading materials. Just hope that my phone can still survive until the last page turned.

Distorted Maze

it's nothing but chaos,
where all shattered plans are
nothing but stagnant...

it obviously brags the
crucial stage. no direction,
full of plans. weighless enthusiasm
emancipated from within --- pure intentions
of just beginnings.

the crumpled air stops me
from breathing...snap!
loop-ended directions.
nowhere to go...

sea of moss --- it reminds
me of something, in
a world where no one seems to go...

scattered pieces of
solemnity---

yes, i am lost!

Ang Huling stick ng yosi

Habang hinihithit ko ang kahuli-hulihang yosi ko sa harap ng ELJ building, magkahalong tuwa at lungkot ang namumutawi sakin. Nag-resign na naman ako, but this time nagpaalam ako. Naghalohalong reminiscing at pasasalamat sa hangin at sa buong building ang ginawa ko...

Naisip ko lang, siguro nga I have already learned my lessons. Hindi na ko parang tangang bigla na lang tumatakbo kapag nagkakagulo na mag-isa. Hindi na ko tulad ng dating takot sabihin ang tunay na nararamdaman at sabihin kung bakit ako aalis. At higit sa lahat, hindi na ko takot magpaalam.

Habang nasa taxi ako, abot abot ang pasasalamat ko sa Diyos at sa wakas alam kong may nagbabago. Sa totoo lang, pinaglabanan ko rin yung katamaran ko kanina bago ako pumunta sa opisina at mag-file ng immediate resignation. Pero sa kabila ng lahat, alam ko nagawa ko ang dapat kong gawin. At napakasarap ng pakiramdam kapag wala kang iniisip, hindi ka nagtatago, at higit sa lahat, nakapagpaalam ng maayos.

Kaya bago maubos ang huling stick ng yosi ko, nais kong pasalamatan ang lahat ng taong nagturo sa akin kung paano harapin ang katotohanan. Sabay ang ngiti sa pagpatak ng luha.

Kapitan Sino: Kaunting masasabi.

Wag manggamit ng tao. Siguro ganun nga yung nais sabihin ni bob ong. Lumabas kasi sa libro yung iba't ibang anggulo ng panggagamit at pang aabuso sa kakayahan ng ibang tao. Nakakalungkot lang kasi nakita ko rin ang sa sarili ko sa isang banda ng kwento. Ako si Rogelio.
Ang ayoko lang, politikal. Pero ang maganda lang, kahit nakakainis kasi politikal, totoo lahat. Totoo na ang tao ay mahilig manghingi ng tulong, at abusuhin ito. Totoo na ang taong tumutulong ay bulag sa katotohanang niloloko at inaabuso na siya ng mga tao. Totoo na ang taong tumutulong ay nawawalan ng sariling pagkakakilanlan dahil sa nauubos ang kanyang oras sa kakatulong sa mga taong nagiging tamad.

Maganda rin ang setting ng kwento. 90's. Nabanggit lahat ng may kinalaman sa pang araw araw na buhay ng panahong iyon. Ganun din yung ginagawa namin ng mga kaibigan ko pag nakatambay lang. Inaalala yung mga kendi, chichiria, palabas, laro, at kung anuanu pa, na bumalot sa aming kabataan. Doon naman talaga magaling si bob e. Gamitin ang nakaraan mo para maaliw sa libro niya.

Para naman maging technical ako, sasabihin ko na lang din na walang nagbago sa "style" ng pagsusulat niya.Malaya. May mga maling spelling kahit tagalog, pero ayos lang. Si bob ong yun e.

Ayoko na maging masyadong epal sa sinulat ni bob ong dahil naiiyak lang ako. Basta alam ko, ako si Rogelio. Salamat sa mga bok-bok ng buhay ko. At mas maraming salamat sa nag-iisang Tessa ng buhay ko.

Sa mga Aling Precious at Aling Baby, magbago na tayo.

At sa mga Mayor at Bise sa buhay ko, tsk tsk tsk lang ang masasabi ko.

Salamat.

Kapitan Sino: Initial Feedback

Nagbabasa ako ngayon ng Kapitan Sino ni bob ong. Nararamdaman ko nagpapalit na siya ng anyo. Pero anuman ang maging tunay kong saloobin tungkol sa librong ito, iba-blog ko.. ahahahaha...

Kelangan Ulit-ulitin para Matuto

it is not about happiness, it is about how to find for happiness.

The most challenging question I have ever faced in my entire life is the most stupid yet most sensible question a man would ask: Where to find happiness?

Stupid right?

Not really... Well, it is only when we have learned how to be contented with what we have and appreciate the small things that we have gained that we will discover the door through this thing so-called "happiness".

Clear?...

Kapag Umuulan

Nothing beats Piatos and Coke....

When the world turns rainy and stormy.... Just grab a pack of Piatos, a bottle of Coke sakto, and a stick of cigarette....


Life becomes more colorful...

Believe it..

ran out of sensible things to say

If one day, you woke up tired and lost, as if looking for changes and a bit of improvement with how your life goes, what will be the first thing that you will try to do? Will you immediately end up all your commitments and start looking for those new things, or will you just continue with what you currently have while looking for that new thing? What if you can’t figure out what was wrong? Will you just pretend that the confusion don’t exist and continue with what you have started?
There will be days and times in our life that we will opt to hide what’s bothering us just to satisfy the needs of the people around us, because we believe that that is our prime purpose, to make sure that everything is in the right place. There will dilemmas and confusions as to what should we take into consideration first, ourselves or our family. There will be doubts on every decision that we will make as to who will benefit the result, is it for us or for them. But at the end of the day, we will realize that it is not right living for other people; that we need to live our life as to how we want it to be, because it is us who is sitting on the driver’s seat. Whatever decision we make or whenever the path it will lead us to, it is us who will be penalized for its result, regardless if it is good or bad, simply because it is our life, not theirs.
Maybe the reason why we feel overloaded with tons of responsibilities is because we choose to be responsible, then we find ourselves tired. We cannot blame them, but if they’re starting to be abusive and complacent that someone’s going to handle it for them that’s a different story. And that’s where we start to feel tired. When you try to talk to them and tell them that it’s time for you to concentrate on your own goals and ambitions, they will call you selfish. They will give you their undying script that it will save you a lot of money if you’re at home. Unfair, right?
So, when can we say that it’s enough? If there’s nothing’s left for us? If our last chance just pass out?
It is hard to step onto the next ladder if you know that you have things left undone. It’s also wrong if we will always run if we don’t feel satisfied with what we have. It’s unfair; on the other hand, if we will continue to blame and to give excuses that we cannot move on because of other people because we are just bewildered with the things that mock our crazy minds. Maybe it’s not them. Maybe it’s just us. Maybe we’re just unhappy on how life turns out, because after exerting all our efforts to succeed, we did not reach anything. Well, in fact, we did. It is not just what we have expecting to get.
Now, think. Are you really tired or you’re just unsatisfied?