Just when you smile

I just heard a familiar laugh, not a person's laugh but a ringtone that laughs. I used to have the same ringtone when I was in College and it’s very nostalgic to hear it again unexpectedly. It's as if playing all the happy and unforgettable memories of my past, every laugh and every tune, very familiar and remarkable. And I also remembered losing that phone one night when my boyfriend and I were having a fight. I think he lost it while we are on our way home.

I can't believe that it has been almost three years since then. Time passes fast, as the old saying goes. But every inch of what happened is still ingrained in my mind, clearer than the present scene.

He was jealous, as he always is. He knows that something is going on and that there is something wrong with our relationship, but I never said anything. He knows that I am doing something really wrong, but I never explained. He deeply knows that I was looking for someone who can give me more attention, but I never agree nor disagree with him. Because I was afraid, and still am. I am afraid that if he leaves, I cannot be happy again. I am afraid that I will lose the very essence of my life if he is not with me. I am afraid that the smile that used to greet me will brighten someone else's day. I am afraid to be alone again.

Days and weeks have passed. My lips were remained sealed and silent, but my thoughts were crawling deep within the nerves of my grey area and I cannot do anything but to jot them down. I made sure that every word and letters are hidden beneath folders and folders. I made sure that no single eye can reach even a punctuation mark. I made all things possible to hide everything. I tried, but I failed.

When the feeling gets deeper and situation gets more complicated, my feelings burst out like a volcano that sleeps for years. I can't stop myself from telling all my friends and everybody else on what I am going through. Everybody knows—everybody except him, because I am too weak to tell him the truth and too shy to start talking. But no matter how good we are with hiding and how much safekeeping we can do, the truth shall always prevail.

I bought myself lunch, and ate it with him. I showed him some of the poems and stories hidden beneath folders. He is reading carefully, giving hundred percent of his attention. Until he asked me, “What really is going on?” I just smiled. I don’t know what to say. Then I started to speak, and I don’t know how was I able to tell him everything freely—no doubts and careless of whatever will he feel.

I never felt too much love and too much kindness in my life more than what he did. He made me choose. He asked me to choose my happiness while smiling at me, a mind-torturing smile that made me stay for three more years. I never saw any sign of being unsure when he’s letting me go. No signs of selfishness in her heart as he ask me to stay where will I have my happiness. Since then, I never hoped for someone else. Since then, I never asked for anything more than his time and love. Since then, we were invulnerable.

I can’t have anyone else in my life but him. Growing old with him is my greatest wish. And now, fifty nine months may have passed but even haunting ghosts of our past cannot stop us. We are an indestructible institution, founded and tested by time.