maybe I really have it deep inside...

I was born mean and a lot of people will agree on that. I am bad, and I don't care if I will hurt someone's feeling.I say whatever I wanted to say--regardless if it's too nasty. I do whatever I wanted to do--regardless of stepping on one's foot. I get what I wanted to have--regardless of how impossible will it be. But believe me or not, I enjoyed doing all these. I enjoy being mean. I enjoy living carelessly. And that's the only part of my life that I have never felt any regret.

But all of these changed.

No more exaggerated stories. No more subjective criticism. No more lies. I just woke up one day, laughing out loud in a middle of a crowd, listening to them as they share the best story of their lives and beginning to empathize (contrary because I normally do the talking), and waking up the next day with peace of mind--confident that I did not hurt anyone last night so no need to prepare for any apologetic speeches.

Maybe because this is a totally different world and they didn't know anything about my past (although they know a bit of the story). Or maybe I just changed unknowingly.

It all started when a new friend, out of nowhere, thanked me for being a good friend and thanked God for having me in her life. I almost choked and just said, "Well, siguro natuto na lang ako sa mga pinagdaanan ko..." Ang thought that maybe it's still too early to say that.

Funny right? No one ever thanked me for being a good friend. Most of the "thanks" that I have receive was either "thanks for crying with me", "thanks for the company", or just "thanks". I just don't know what to say. Do you know how it feels when someone just proposed a marriage to you? Shocking right? It's the same feeling. A sudden gush of blood through your cheeks that will make you blush.

Sigh.

Things are changing so fast. And as they say, Let bygones be bygones. Live and let live.

But as for me, once a mean girl, always a mean girl.

Maybe it will change. Maybe I have changed, or maybe not. Maybe she just said that as a first impression, which will definitely change. Or maybe this is the chance I have been praying for; A chance to proved myself again; A chance to show that I am worthy to be called a "good friend" not just an "old friend"; and a chance to prove that I will be a better person.

Sigh.

For the last time...

At this very moment, I can say, I have totally moved on. No more drastic and unwanted past. No more regrets and "what ifs". Now, I can say, I have stepped a foot forward... Slow as it may seem, but at least I was able to.

It's almost two years, and I can say it's all worth it.

It's not easy to bid goodbyes --- I never liked farewells. However, if this is the only way to make my life better, then I think I have to.

As Michelle Branch's song goes, "Goodbye to you. Goodbye to everything I thought I knew. You were the one I loved, the one thing that I've tried to hold on to..." Yes, you guys have been my shelter in my darkest days, and I owe this part of my life. I might have not survived if not for you. But this is the healthiest thing that I can do. See you soon, for I know our roads will still cross someday.

The past is past, now I have the guts to say. But I won't live all my past behind. I'll still carry some of them on my next journey. I will be traveling in a totally different path. A hundred miles away from what I have dreamed to be, but I'm sure to be happy.

Though the path will be totally different, my goal never changes. But I will be wiser now, wise enough to choose the right choice, the right option, the right company, and the right life.

Finally.

(Sigh)

when things get more confusing...

I never liked choices, it's just giving me so much pain and doubts. Neither having a lot of opportunities is not a good idea for me. That's why after receiving a text message from an employer requesting me to visit their office for a chance of being hired as a writer, place my life in the middle of the ocean---dark, cold, and doomed.

Honestly, I wanted to try my luck. At least by the end of the day, I won't have unanswered questions. At least I have tried.

(Sigh)
I wish things will be better, soon.

I just wanted to write...